When I started working with clients as a hypnotherapist and weight release coach, one of the most interesting things that struck me is how hesitant, dare I say even scared, that many people of asking waiters for what they need when dining out.
We live in an eat-out society where most of us spend a few meals a week sending a waiter to the kitchen with an order for some food that we are going to eat. Many offerings on many restaurant menus, served as is, will be covered in fat or fried in grease or will be too big or too starchy—just too darn unhealthy and caloric to be put in front of us in our vulnerable and hungry state at a restaurant table. Even “salads” can be as caloric as a Big Mac unless we ask for them to be presented in a more shifter-friendly way. Studies show that we tend to eat as much as 70% more when we are eating out with other people. So it makes sense that if we are going to achieve and maintain long term permanent weight release that we should feel comfortable enough to ask the waiter, or waitperson, for what we need.
Why Do We Fear the Waiter?
So why is it so hard to ask the waiter for what we need? Is it our social need to be nice? To not make waves? To go with the flow? Is it that we don’t want to seem difficult or needy? Are we afraid that the people sitting with us will think less of us or make comments? Are we afraid that the waiter will say no? Or refuse to serve us? Do they remind us of mom? Or frighten us with their powerful “you better be nice to me or I will spit in your food” stare? Are we afraid that the waiter will take our order to the chef and they will stand there cursing our name for being such a high maintenance diva?
Whatever your particular fear I would like to give you some coaching based on my work as a cognitive weight release coach but also on my years of working as a waitress. That’s right you see I have no fear of waiters. I know them inside and out. I put myself through school as a waitress in one of the fastest paced, Italian restaurants in Greenwich Village and worked with some of the most hardened waitresses and waiters on the planet. When I lived in NYC the meaner you were as a waiter the more tips you made. New Yorkers expected surly service and the more you gave the more you money got.
There were two older Brooklyn Italian waitresses at Emilio’s restaurant where I worked in Manhattan. Paula and Maria took me under their wings and showed me how to get the upper edge in the server/client relationship. These ladies were classic, they would sit at a table in the restaurant, in plain view either eating their own meal or smoking cigarettes and when a customer would sit down they would take about 5 minutes just to get up and get them a menu. When they did get up and give out a menu it was with no sense of urgency, even if there was a line of customers out the door, they would sashay over to the customer (cigarette dangling—this was the mid 80’s folks), throw a menu at them and sashay back to their table, plop down and continue reading the paper or whatever. They would generally look as deadpan as possible when they eventually got around to take the order (cigarette still dangling), and then almost grudgingly throw a basket of bread at them, and then when the order came up in the kitchen they would take their time to finish putting on their make-up and walk, with the most leisurely stroll possible, over to the kitchen to pick up the order (cigarette still dangling!!!) and plop the food down in front of the customer. Let me tell you, these ladies had it down like a fine art and they made huge amounts of money—the slower they moved and the more ash they got on you and your food—the more money they made.
Fortunately, the world is a bit different these days. The emphasis on waiter surliness has been replaced by a focus on customer service. Nowadays, especially here in LA, customer is king. So why wouldn’t you ask for what you need?
Let’s break the server/customer experience down and see if we can’t make some Shifts.
SHIFT the Waiter
First there is the waiter greeting, maybe bringing you some bread. Greet the waiter nicely because chances are you are going to be asking them to do something for you. Look them in the eye, acknowledge their humanness. Make a connection, then make a request—“could you please take the bread away”. That’s right, Shift the waiter with your smile.
SHIFT the Menu
Secondly, when the waiter brings the menu look at it like it was a grocery shopping list and that all the elements listed on the menu are items that could be put together to create your own dish. That’s right, Shift the menu. I look at dishes on the menus as mere suggestions of what the chef (or kitchen) can create. Why do I think this? Because I have been in the kitchen, I know the chef is bored and throwing the same old stuff together, I know that all the ingredients are hanging out in the kitchen ready to be assembled my way, and I also know that when a waiter brings in a special order—often the chef or cook (unless it is super busy) is pleased to have something to create that is different than what they usually slop on the plate.
SHIFT your Order
Here is a tip—when ordering, ask for what you want rather than what you don’t want. It’s easier to say “could you please put this and that and this and that together for me” instead of “I want this salad but hold the this and substitute the that and put these things on the side”—it’s the Shift between seeming creative and high maintenance.
My favorite go to is to order fresh greens with some steamed or grilled veggies on top with grilled chicken or fish (I ask for a small amount of protein) and then a sauce (BBQ, dressing, salsa, marinara) or dressing on the side. This order usually is about 300 calories (without the sauce) and I have never been turned down or sneered at or laughed at—I actually have had waiters say to me “wow that sounds good” or serve the food and have many people wish they had ordered what I have ordered.
Do not be afraid to have the waiter bring you half the meal and wrap the rest to go. Really, they can and will do that. Even Maria and Paula did that without too much fuss. Okay sure, you might have found a little cigarette ash in your doggy bag, but hey, now you don’t have to worry about eating those leftovers at midnight.
Start Shifting your Waiter Relationship Today
Bottom line is this: waiters are people, too—do not fear them—befriend them. Your waiter
is your messenger to the chef, the butter wielding maniac in the kitchen. Often servers are struggling with their own weight issues and so can relate and will go out of their way to accommodate your needs.
Practice using the following requests before dining out so that you will feel prepared.
• “May I have that sauce/dressing on the side?”
• “Can you split that entrée in the kitchen and box half for me to
take home?”
• “May I have that poached instead of fried?”
• “I would love a bowl of steamed veggies with just a touch of pasta and then the marinara—instaed of all pasta”
• “May I have a 3 oz cut of the steak instead of 8 oz?”
• “May I have a child size portion of that?”
See now that didn't hurt at all, did it? In fact, don't you feel down right empowered? Make mine a double serving of empowerment with a side of showing up for yourself. Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm doesn't that taste good?
How is that for a tip???
Happy Ordering! Happy Shifting!
Oxox Rita
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